The Purple Sky

Lame

Depressing

Mono

Can’t thing of anything great to say about it right now. Basicly feeling depress on everyday basis. Wishing everyday that things could be different, life could be more enjoyable, more colourful, or at least more liveable.

I hate my life at the moment. Or should I put it; I hate my work, and since my work occupies 80% of my life, so I tend to hate my life as well as a result. I feel like I’m doing something soo..unfulfilling, but yet its taking up soo much of me..so taxing in every way possible.. and all that for things that I couldn’t really make out it’s meaning most of the time.

Yes,its rewarding at times. Seeing those people becoming well. Seeing those eyes who were initially sick and weary, lightened up as they get better. It does. Really. ( But here are those who never gets better though) Like the other day when I met my ex-patient who was delivered paraplegic due to intraspinal bleeding almost 8 months ago – all well, moving all her limbs- even if its not all that freely but hey, she’s sitting upright, and smiling cutely back at me. It almost brought me to tears. But then, there are those unrewarding times. Those tiring working hours. Those sickening yell by the bosses. Those many frustrating moments. Plus, I don’t like the person I’m turning into. I don’t like it when I started scrutinizing other people’s work. I don’t like when I started screaming at others when things didn’t work out the way it should. I don’t like it that I get frustrated easily. I get angry over all the small things. Its as if I’m slowly turning into one of them. I wasn’t that mean before. I’m just not that kind of person before. But I am becoming one now. And I hate it.

I came across an article the other day in the newspaper. (actually wani gave it to me) it was in the star last Saturday. It basicly highlighted - the way to feel freedom in life is to appreciate its beauty in every aspect. To learn to appreciate the hard times. To love the silver linings. To take the bottom moments as a learning process and accept all that come with open heart and cherish all the good moments. – because life can only be perfect when it has all the components (good, not so good, in the drain, pretty up there, and etc2 moments) in good balance. That’s how human evolve anyway.

But then again. What about hope? Is it wrong to dream about having a better life? Wishing for a more fulfilling everyday chores. Doing something because I want to do it, and I like doing it, not because I’m already here and this what I meant to do everyday – so that’s why I’m doing it. Because I had to.

So now I’m here. Motivating myself on daily basis. Trying to find joy in the simplest things in life – like seeing the blue morning sky, looking at the beautiful moon at night, eating ice creams before going to sleep and the list goes on.. Meaningless as it may be to some, but those are the things that never fail to trigger these happy cells in me all the time - thus made next day much more bearable to go through. Even just a little bit.

So that’s how it is. Still adjusting. Still searching for some meaning. And clue. And hope. And joy. But most of all meaning. M.E.A.N.I.N.G. Life should be meaningful. That’s what I believe. I may not get everything I want in life. But at least I want my life to have some meaning. That’s all.